Why I Fistpump To Ke$ha

    Music is a huge part of my life. I use music to determine how I am going to feel, how the day will turn out, what show to watch after How I Met Your Mother on Mondays nights, and whether or not celebrity relationships will last [<---sorry Taylors Swift and Lautner, "Rehab" decreed that you were over before you started]. I listen to music at work, during school, in the car, and while I sleep [the only thing Avril Lavigne is good for these days]. So of course, my iPod is my best and sometimes only friend. I have named him Simon for when I get lonely and need someone to talk to. I'll ask him a question, and then click Shuffle Songs, and we can actually converse for hours that way. My life is pathetic.
    But anyways, going back to the whole music thing, my iPod is my life. Of course, another way to listen to music is the radio, and while Simon [long story. Long, but funny] and my relationship is relatively simple to uphold [he gives, I take], the radio, whom I have named Mornm, and I are a bit more complex. Everytime I turn on Mornm, he plays the same songs over and over again, no matter how much I push his buttons. Every two minutes hes playing another Taylor Swift song.
    Its gotten to the point where we have a game called Swiftly Avert where if I hear T-Sweez on the radizzle, I have to quickly change to a station not playing Our Song or White Horse or Fifteen or Teardrops on My Guitar (Drew Talks) or Love Story or [deep breath] Picture To Burn or Im Only Me When Im With You or You Belong With Me or Stay Beautiful or Shouldve Said No or Time McGraw. Yeah, its that hard. So its one point for me per station change, and one point for Mornm if a station plays one of her songs and I start to sing along absent-mindedly. Surprisingly, our scores are pretty close [damn you, Love Story. Damn you to the lowest breathable level of purgatory!]
    Sorry about that sidebar. But anyways, back to the point. Ke$ha. Ke$ha is pretty much awesome in size five ripped skinny jeans. Earlier this year, she released a single, Tik Tok, and when I first heard it, I bought a raw tomato to throw at the next person who said white girls can't rap [<---unfortunately for me, I had forgotten that Natalie Portman's Rap on SNL disproved that theory long ago, so the tomato was useless to me and has since melted in a puddle in my garage. Also, I learned that name-checking P.Diddy does not automatically qualify your song as rap, and so the correct phrase would have been, "white girls can't sing ElectroPop, which Cascada and Lady GaGa have already shattered, so pointless again]. Then, when I saw TiK Tok's music video, I cried teardrops of solid gold. One of the previous two sentences is false. You pick.
    So, now every single time I hear Tik Tok on the radio, whether its going to school, in newspaper, leaving school early and getting out of that parking lot lickety-split [I went there] or falling asleep at night, I have to do a Situation aka fisbump to the beat. Because, for me, hearing that glorious combination of melody/lyrics/rock/Jack/glitter/booze/Electro/synthesizer, it means that this was a chimerical day [<--i found that word off of thesaurus.com heehee].
    I don't even mind that its being played too much. Its like a 4 right now in radioplayratings, 1 being songs like I Will by Ben Taylor, Dollhouse by Priscilla Rene, any song by Will Young, and Ride to California by Paper Tongues, and 10 being Party In The USA by that cursed perky twit, all aforementioned TSwizz songs, that crappy radio localized version of I'm In Miami by LMFAO and Justin Beiber. The highest rating of 15 was received only once, by FloRida's Low.
    So, to make a very short story long, I jam out to Ke$ha everyday because a.) the songs symbolizes a good day, b.) its says "brush ma teef wiv a bottle a jack," and I don't even have a desire to correct her atrocious grammar, and c.) its the only song in existence that mentions both P.Dids and Mick Jagger. And you should too.
Thank you.

What I Learned Today:

Aaron Carter beat Shaq by cheating. Its all in the song. So dont cry, Shaq. Aaron's a cheater. Youre not the only one who got duped. You can take comfort with Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff, who both had floppy muic hits like Rumors, Come Clean, Wake Up, Why Not, So Yesterday, With Love-I've gone oveboard, haven't I? Well, just listen to the song yourself. He tripped him. Thats totally a foul.





P.S. I just realized, I have been slamming on recording artists all throughout this post, and I haven't even met any of them. So for that reason I am including a

*DISCLAIMER*
I have never met only listened to any and all of the above recording artists. I am only stating my opinions about their ShitIMeanGarbageIMeanMusic and how the radio is a playlist of twenty or so songs on repeat. That is all, this is my opinion, but you should bewarned that if you dont share this opinion, you will be doomed to drool for the rest of your life every time someone says the word "nasal itch." You have been told.