Welcome, Fellow Gnerds!

A gnerd [pronounced, "NER-dh"] is a noun.
It is used to name someone who both reads Asimov and can fix a computer virus.

We know every line from Dr. Horrible and the subplots
and backplots of Who.

We lurk around bookshelves.

We listen to Josh Groban and Chameleon Circuit.

We are every Judith, Max and Russell.

We congregate conventions.

We are the next generation.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Gas Station Blow Up [not really]

    Today, I needed gas. So I made my daily visit to CircleK, where I was immediately accosted by a very nice lady who struck up a conversation about my shoes [I’m trying out clogs today. They were apparently the style of an old lady, a woman with no life, and a creepy truck driver. Nay on the clogs]. I replied graciously while simultaneously making the required hand gestures to convey that I needed to leave and start pumping my gas now. We were having the socially acceptable dance of a conversation, when she threw a brick at me. Not literally, of course, figuratively. She asked me for a donation to the Haiti Relief fund, but didn’t give an organization she was doing it through. I politely [restate: POLITELY!] declined, explaining that at the current moment, I was short on cash and excused myself from the situation. 
    Now, normally, a woman outside a scummy gas station asking for money for a national relief effort without the backing of a certified organization would not bother me. It would only reinforce my opinion that wandering people have no imagination. But the thing that really got me was that as I was walking away, I heard her mutter obscenities about me and something along the lines of “somethingsomething racist bitch...dont trust black folks...”eff” off mofo.”
    Lady, I wish I had the guts to confront you then. But because I bought my cajones at a half-price sale and they only work between the hours of 11p.m. and 7a.m. I didnt. So I’m telling you now, from behind the safety of my 8x12 computer screen, back the hell off. I am entitled to the right to deny you anything I want as long as it isn’t rightfully yours. My money is mine to spend it as I will, and as I explained to you, I don’t have any. Do you want to know why exactly it is I don’t have any? My paycheck was 160. I owe my dad twenty dollars because I texted “haiti” twice, once to 90999 and once to 50555, I donated money to the Josh Groban fund, church, and everything my school is doing now is being donated to the Haiti Relief. This includes Winter formal tickets which are either 8 or 10 dollars, depending on when you buy them. Now, Im not going to winter formal, but I donated as if I was. Also, they’re having a raffle which I put five dollars into for an iPod that I fully do not expect to win. So you factor that in, add the cost of gas for a month and put some in savings and there's my paycheck.
    So I reckon I’ve donated about 50-80 dollars to Haiti. I’m not bragging about this, by any means, but I really can’t donate any more! I’m not even apologizing, because I did what I could, short of actually going to Haiti, which I wouldve done in a heartbeat if that was at all plausible. I even went up to the hospital to inquire about volunteering there.
   And by the way, lady, if you had accepted that and moved on, coming out of the gas station I remembered that I had a buck or two in my center console. [The following is said in a sing-song voice--->]That could’ve been yours [end sing-song voice]. Instead, the guy at the drive-thru window at Burger King’s who handed me my very coincidentally priced large diet coke smiled and told me to have a nice day.
So up yours bitch!
Twinkies are 90% air.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Shoes that Took A Bullet

    Today, as I sat down in my usual seat in Honors English, I noticed that my left shoe had ripped completely open up the side, exposing my rather red, unsocked foot. I was in a hurry today, no time. Now, obviously, I am upset about this. I hate buying new shoes because I really like old ones. I am so comfortable in those shoes, they know me and fit me perfectly. Plus, those shoes have been places. They have memories.
    They were there when I heard that Michael [not Jackson] had died, and they took me to his funeral. They walked on the beach with me in the Bahamas, and chased after Alec in the snow when he built his first [sort-of] snowman. They have stepped in gum, snow, piss, poop, grass, blood, barf, dirt, mud, water and dead mouse with me. They have supported me through not one, not two, but three diets, and have comforted me with Coldstone Icecream when they failed. They saw me through being a vegetarian to becoming a vegan, and guided me through the croweded aisles of church on Christmas Eve service without tripping me.
    They have seen Josh Groban, Storyside B:, John Reuben, Fairgreen, Brooks&Dunn, Rodney Atkins and 2 Hawk Nelson concerts. They helped me walk away from bad decisions, and they pushed me towards some good ones. They were with me on my first day at Kent, they went with me on several college visitations. They've been hit on several times, and been on the receiving end of many compliments. They traveled to New Orleans three years in a row and witnessed first hand the destruction of Hurricane Katrina, and got stuck by a needle in the backyard of an illegal tattoo artist's house [took me half an hour to determine if the red was ink or blood. It was blood].
    They have played tag with Jonah, kicked Joshua, broke Jacob's toothbrush, and tracked dirt on my mother's floor. They walked away from the greatest guy in the world, and they hosted a great 16th birthday party. They have smelled bad, good, like peppermint, like hairspray, and like mud. They have danced in several rainstorms, and participated in a particularly good game of "Did-You-Know?" Once, they won a race, and twice they've lost. They helped a woman cross the road [really], picked up some people when they were down [figuratively], and even kicked some people in the cojones [both]. They have visited New York but never got out of the car, been to Florida, and seen the very first Borders ever [<---OMGOMGOMFG!].
    They had dreams, wishes, a to-do list of their own. They'll never get to finish that. They were going to go to Savannah, London, Paris, Nice, a Michael Buble concert, the Craig Ferguson show, winter formal, on a road trip, to see the Great Lakes, to get the first loan, make the first walk of shame, see the world and be a part of a crowd somewhere. Now, they have to say goodbye to those dreams, and hope that whatever pair replaces them can fill their shoes...er, wait.
    Its kind of a Doctor Who kind of deal, if you think about it. The man is essentially the same, just a different DNA structure and physical make-up. The feet remain the same, but the shoes that cover them change with time. I just hope I can find a pair as trustworthy as that one. They took me where I needed to go, went on in a hurry, and didnt mind being covered with the most fantastic display of paints and colors known to man. Goodbye, paintballed RocketDogs. I will never own another pair of shoes like you.

Lesson I learned Today:
Hamlet wasn't mad, he was just the only one who could understand him.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Eating Butter with a Spoon

    Well, here I am at ten o'clock on a Wednesday night, eating butter with a spoon. Relax, its almond butter. But still. How did I sink so low? Normally by now I would be so absorbed in either a new book, a hilarious and intellectually stimulating television program, probably on the History channel and most definitely not anything on VH1, or dozing off into a fitful night's sleep. However, here I am, sitting alone in my kitchen with nothing but an LCD screen for company. And why? Because I am perfectly happy doing so. I don't mind that it's not a complete meal-nor even a snack. I didn't eat dinner tonight, so this is my sustenance until my morning Special K and soy milk routine. Also, it's freakin good. Not better than peanut butter, no of course not, but still. Better than I expected it to be.
    Speaking of which, today was Camcorder Day. You're right, this has nothing to do with the previous sentence, true. However, I didn't know of any other way to connect the two. To celebrate said holiday, I bought a.....drumroll please.........camcorder battery to replace the one I lost five months ago! Yay! I can now begin to make the movies that will shape and define the lives of others across the globe and be recognized for my genius and superior intellect. Or maybe I can just film my dog snoring at night. He's a dump truck, I swear.
    My father just came down as I wrote that last bit and informed me that "if I wanted to smell clean tomorrow at school I had better come up and take a shower now while the lights are on." Very subtle that one.
    Off to shower, then I suppose I should catch up on reading Hamlet. Shakespeare was one groovy dude though.

Lesson I learned today:
There are only four things you can do with your money;
1. Save it,
2. Invest it,
3. Give it away, or
4. Spend it.

My Life Summary?

I thought I would start off with a "Things I've Learned So Far..." kind of deal, just to commemorate what exactly it is I know, after roughly 10,000 hours inside a classroom and countless more being manhandled by the clammy hands of life.

-People lie.
-honesty does not go far.
-You can go your whole life believing there are only two ways to prove the existence of magic [1 being Barry and Stuart, 2 being Disney's magic castle], and then one book later that theory is proven wrong in so many ways.
-it seems to be impossible to "stick it to the man" when the man is hiding behind men in neatly pressed suits who dont like being "stuck."
-labels are for losers
-people who are wannabe's dont know what they want to be
-Its the thought that counts, but some people are too lazy to turn it in to anything more than a thought [thanks David W]
-Being crazy every day keeps the men in white coats away.
-those little black things in bananas are tarantula eggs [thanks Noel]
-if vegetarian soup is hot, that means somebody named Kevin made it.
-don't believe the hype.
-if youre going with the flow, youre a tuna. If you swim against it, youre a nuisance.
-Pop punk music can't lead to anything good except an occasional awesome karaoke party.
-Accents are sexy; doesn't matter where from, they just are. No exceptions. Except maybe Klingon.
-The term "best friend" is demeaning. Not necessarily to the person you are referring to, but to the people you're NOT.
-Hippies were cool before Fonzy was cool.
-Life is one big contradiction.
-The condoms are behind the armoire of despair.
-Life is one big contradiction.
-I will never find my Dexter.
-Nobody does their math homework in pen [thank you Jake]
-The best way to get praise is to die [italian proverb]
-Nassim Al Fakir can amuse me for hours just by laughing.
-Anything too silly to be spoken is sung.
-Purple eyeliner will get you free drinks. Red eyeliner will get you a free breathalyzer test.
-Sex is the biggest nothing of all time [Andy Warhol, although recently supported by Kevin Jonas]
-Nothing is left unfinished; it is simply abandoned.
-If you want to make a month-by-month cut-out calendar depicting every act in the kama sutra done by animals, National Geographics can help.
-"Making headway" is a funny expression.
-"Tempestuous cacanation" is a googlewhack! [02.04.08]
-The Latin word for "sheath" is "vagina"
-Everything tastes more or less like chicken.

Those are the basic lessons I have learned in my 17 short years.