Welcome, Fellow Gnerds!

A gnerd [pronounced, "NER-dh"] is a noun.
It is used to name someone who both reads Asimov and can fix a computer virus.

We know every line from Dr. Horrible and the subplots
and backplots of Who.

We lurk around bookshelves.

We listen to Josh Groban and Chameleon Circuit.

We are every Judith, Max and Russell.

We congregate conventions.

We are the next generation.

Thursday, February 25, 2010


    I finally figured out what my problem in life is. Im too adult. I mean sure, I have my angsty teen moments, just like everyone else, but for the most part, I'm an uppity snob. I find it hard to have good conversations with people my age because usually I freak them out, and adults and I don't always click*. Like, I think sometimes I might be intimidating because I keep updated on political happenings and I read Austen and Hawthorne and Lewis and Tolkien and Adams and Asimov and Klosterman and the findings of Newton, and I'm sarcastic, which is a very advanced form of intellectual humor that most adults [and several young adults] aren't used to. Also, I hate adults who boss me around just because of my age, and people who would rather walk all the way across the mall just to avoid walking next to me for half a second [<---what am I going to do, molest your child? Give me a break, I have blue and pink hair, not a ten foot long penis sprouting from my spinal cord like a tail that belongs on Ord from Dragon Tales (NERD POINTS FOR THE OBSCURE PBSKids SHOW REFERENCE!!!) I mean, come on people. Get over it. If Michael Jackson can be white, I can have Joss Stone hair.]
    Anyway. Back to the point. I act like an adult now, preferring to sit quietly in a corner and observe rather than be in the midst of action, always ready to kiss a scraped knee on a child but rarely willing to take responsibility for their mistakes. SO, you know, like a parent. And I think this is because I never had a childhood. Growing up the oldest of four with a brother 11 months younger than me, there was always another kid behind me, and I learned nurturing at an early age. Sure, I watched Barney and Friends, but I was more concerned with the fact that Josh and Jake get something out of the episode, while I was planning out the next coloring page [yes. I color coded my coloring books. DWI]. So I never really got to experience Elmo for all he was worth. 
    Also, I was never a humungous fan of Cap'n Crunch or Trix or any of those cereals. If I ate anything other than Cheerios [God I love them] or Kix, it was Life or BooBerries when we had them, which wasn't often. While kids my age were learning to read, I was teaching myself, and by the time my peers were struggling through Curious George's Day at the Zoo, I was devouring The Babysitters' Club, The Saddle Club and Sweet Valley High Series. When my classmates reached the age where they were learning Monster Math [and I was zoning out in class] I was reading Little House In The Big Woods. By the time fourth grade rolled around, and my classmates were listening to Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls, I was dressing up like Laura Ingalls and begging my mom to let me take my lunch to school in a pail. I had never even heard of N'Sync, I hated Britney Spears, and didn't really watch Nickolodeon. Instead, I was listening to the likes of Rascall Flatts [I was there in the early years,] and ELI, Cat Stevens and The Beatles, Josh Groban and The Commodores. I watched the same VHSes over and over again, was a big fan of Cyberchase and Liberty Kids, and was contemplating raising my kids to be Amish [I was still obsessed by Laura Ingalls]. That was pretty much my childhood. Oh, and whenever I was reading, I ate.
   My solution to this lack of a childhood problem is simple: My Eighteenth Year, as well as whats left of my Seventeenth Year, will hereby be devoted to doing as many things childlike as possible; swinging on swings, playing soccer and not caring how good I am, picking flowers and not worrying about my bee allergy, drinking apple juice any chance I can get, and watching Sesame Street [I miss the old version. Don't like Abby Cadabby. Harumph], writing fan mail to J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis [I know they're dead Im not going to send them. Just write them], read Eric Carle and Dav Pilkey on my breaks at work, and chill with Asprin and Addy, my two imaginary friends. 
    So that is my resolution, My new, modified, updated resolution. And I'm starting with devouring this nice large bowl of Lucky Charms in front of me. Its orgasmically delicious! 

    Director Tim Burton's (if you don't know who he is, you don't watch movies) trademark is scarecrows. They make an appearance in every one of his films.

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